Monday, July 2, 2012

On blogging, the unknown, anxiety, and prayer

I really want this blogging thing to work out for me. I want to make the time for it, I want to remember later in the day the great idea I had for a post earlier in the day. Like yesterday, when I had something really fantastic I wanted to write about after the great homily I received during Mass. Or like every day last week, when I wanted to write a post for each of my awesome children, to remind myself why I am so blessed and that there is much to be grateful for. It's all there, these great topics, floating around in my head, just waiting for me to make the time to write it up and share it for posterity. Unfortunately, this blogging thing is way more time consuming than I anticipated, at least at the beginning; my biggest hang up right now is the picture issue. Picture problems on the great interwebs seem to follow me everywhere I go! I have pictures here, pictures there, pictures everywhere; except, it seems, in a convenient location that works seamlessly with everything.

Aside from the day-to-day difficulties that are life with a family, we have had extra on our plate as of late, including but not limited to a broken family vehicle, searching for a replacement vehicle, possible and likely move hundreds of miles away, and the hemorrhaging of money that goes along with all of those issues. It's just life, we know that, and tough stuff always seems to happen all at once, and we're used to that, but that doesn't make it any less riddled with anxiety. It's all time sensitive stuff this time, and it's all full of unknowns, and it's all serious stuff. It is consuming our thoughts, actions, conversations, and generally draining us of motivation. I realized I am so riddled with anxiety I have canker sores in my mouth. Apparently, I don't do well when there is unresolved major life-altering stuff hanging in the air.

Now that I know the problem, I need a solution, and I am keenly aware that my solution should have mostly to do with prayer, thanksgiving, and faith. Most recently there has been nothing but stumbling blocks every time we try to accomplish something; the simplest of things has been made difficult by piddly stuff blocking our path. Then I read a post by Simcha Fisher about prayer a few days ago, Praying In Your Native Tongue, and shortly after reading that revealing post my priest gives a homily that obviously was written with me in mind. Now there is no way for me to deny that my ability to let go, to give it to God, whatever it is, is severely lacking. I  have always secretly prided myself on how I thought I was able to easily hand over my problems and just relax, I am good at just letting things go and not being a stress case, but the big things we have right now have more than amplified my weakness, and I am humbled. 

I now know, personally, that it's not enough to just talk about praying, or to just think about praying, but actual prayer is in order. The homily this week about faith, trust, and having the freedom to go where God calls you RIGHT NOW cut me to the core. When things got tough, I turned inside myself, trying to figure out how I can make everything ok, instead of asking God to lead us to the solution. All the stuff right now will be unimportant, probably sooner rather than later, but it can be a permanent lesson in patience, humility, and the strength of prayer and faith.

In short, life is hard, prayer is the answer, never doubt the Lord your God.

And all that awesome stuff that Simcha says about prayer is good to have on hand.

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